The Amestrian Fashion Police
by FullmetalWizard1995
Summary: Short oneshot. The hosts of 'The Amestrian Fashion Police' run into Envy and insist on giving him a new look, but little do they know that they're behind the times.


**I have no idea where the idea for this story came from. Really. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**Enjoy! **

Envy sat in a red beanbag chair in a white-walled second floor room, surrounded by cameras. Across from him on a grass-green couch sat a brunette woman and a blond man, who had introduced themselves as Marlie and Luke. Not that Envy really cared. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

Earlier that day, Envy had inadvertently run into Marlie and Luke while running errands for Father. The two had shoved their badges in the homunculus' face, screamed dramatically, "WE ARE THE AMESTRIAN FASHION POLICE AND WE'RE TAKING YOU IN!" and dragged him off to this room before Envy could realize exactly what had happened. He continued to sit pessimistically in the beanbag chair as Marlie prepared herself for the cameras to turn on. A red light above the locked door blinked on.

"Hello," Marlie said superficially into the nearest camera, "and welcome back to _The Amestrian Fashion Police_. I am your host, Marlie…"

"…and I'm Luke," Luke said as the camera swung to him, his blue eyes twinkling provocatively.

"Aw, hell," Envy sighed, sinking deeper into the squashy red chair. "Why me?"

"Today we will be observing…" Marlie began as the camera swung out for a wide shot, "…a man by the name of Envy." When the camera zoomed in on Envy, probably expecting him to say "Hey, I'm so happy to be here," Envy instead stuck out his tongue and flipped a rude gesture at the lens.

"So, Envy," Luke said, leaning forward and ignoring Envy's cringing, "let's start by examining the nicknames you've acquired based on your appearance. The two most popular ones seem to be 'the cross-dressing palm tree' and 'the gender confused apple tree.'" Luke leaned even farther forward. "How do these names make you feel?"

"They don't bother me," the homunculus replied, speaking as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"And that's why we're going to give you a new look!" Marlie flung her arms into the air, her brown curls flying backward.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" Envy screeched.

"First of all," Luke said, completely ignoring Envy's outburst, "that hat of yours has GOT to go."

It took a ridiculous amount of self-control for Envy to keep himself from tearing Luke apart. "It's not a hat," he said dangerously, enunciating every syllable, "it's my hair, you idiot."

There was a pause, in which Luke ran a hand through his spiked hair, and Envy calmed down enough to sit back on the beanbag. "Oh," Marlie finally said. "Well, whatever it is, it's still got to go."

Envy's temper flared again. "NO! You pathetic human, who gave you the right to tell a _homunculus_ what to do?"

The hosts plowed on, completely ignoring the homunculus. "The next order of business is your clothes," Marlie said, the word 'clothes' dripping with distaste. "You need a look that's less…confusing."

"Less like a gender confused apple tree," Luke supplied.

"There is nothing wrong with my look, dammit!" Envy's temper exploded for the third time. "It's perfectly fine the way it is!" As a response to this, Marlie and Luke each took one of Envy's arms and dragged him back toward the change rooms. "NO! Lemme go! I'm a homunculus! A FREAKING HOMUNCULUS! You can't do this to me!" The screaming died away as the show went to commercial break.

Off camera, Luke and Marlie stuck Envy in the first change room with a new set of clothes. "What the hell _are_ these ugly things?" complained Envy from the other side of the door.

"They're your new clothes," Marlie explained, all trace of the superficial happiness gone from her voice, "and if you don't put them on RIGHT NOW, Luke is going to climb in there and force them on you."

"Hell no! I can put them on myself, thank you very much."

"Then why don't you?" Luke's fingers appeared ominously at the top of the door.

"GAH! No need to get hasty, you pathetic humans."

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, the homunculus emerged in black shoes, brown slacks, a blue t-shirt, and an expression that plainly said, "One word from you and you'll never see the light of day again." On his head was a rather large sunhat in a pathetic attempt at covering his hair. Luke and Marlie were evidently pleased with the results, and this only made the angry fire in Envy's violet eyes burn hotter.<p>

As the three re-entered the main room and the cameras prepared to resume shooting, the TV on the left wall winked on. Playing on it was one of those runway shows, and the models were wearing outfits identical to the one Envy had started out in. The models' hairdressers had even managed to replicate the homunculus' hair on each and every model.

Luke, Marlie, and Envy gaped wide-eyed at the television screen.

"Oh…"

"…my…"

"HELL YES!"

Luke and Marlie turned away from the TV to see Envy running around the room, waving his arms, and screaming triumphantly. "WOOHOO!" He dashed off to the change room and emerged ten seconds later wearing what was now being broadcast as 'Jealous Chic.' He yelled triumphantly again. "In your face, suckers!" He was out the door and across the street before Luke and Marlie could realize what had happened. Cries of, "YAHOO!" slowly died away.

"Well, there goes our pay raise…"

**Mwahaha…I'm sorry, I had to :) I do find Envy's attire to be slightly…out of the ordinary, but he is my favourite homunculus so I made the ending work in his favour. Please review! **


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